"I love you." "I love you more!"

If you ask Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, rap feuds get too much attention, because all that attention does is propogate more feuds. Like when Benzino raps, “Eminem, you the whackest,” and Eminem replies via song, “That Benzino is so silly.” It makes me want to scream, “I like both of you guys, so why don’t you like each other?”

Folks prefer conflict, so nobody ever talks about pop’s darling romantic duets … until now. Think Sonny and Cher crooning “I Got You Babe” to each other, but imagine it happening secretly and in separate songs. You’d be surprised how much hot lovage comes out on the airwaves.

Take these moving lines from Nickelback’s tender “Savin’ Me”:

Oh, I reach for you,
Well, I’m terrified of these four walls…
All I need is you…
And all I see is you,
These city walls ain’t got no love for me…
And, oh, I scream for you,
Come please I’m callin’,
And all I need from you,
Hurry, I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’.

Oh, Chad! I wish I could help, but fortunately Fünkdoctorspock knows someone who can, and that someone responded to Chad’s pleas with:

I’ll stay with you,
The walls will fall before we do,
Take my hand now,
We’ll run forever…
Take what you need from me…
And run to me,
Run to me now.

Yep, it’s Johnny Rzeznik of the Goo Goo Dolls and their heartbreaking hit “Stay With You”! Don’t be terrified of those walls, Chad, Johnny’s here, and he wants you to take his hand while you two watch those walls fall. Now run… run forever!

I'm concerned you might not

love me, Johnny Rzeznik.

Chad Kroeger, I'm here to tell you

via song that I do love you.

Dr. von Fünkdoctorspock needs a tissue. Isn’t it beautiful? For once, when someone tells me these purveyors of pop “suck,” I can proudly tell them, “You know what? You’re right!”

Please Don't Make Me Beg For a New Hit Record!

Evanescence? Hello? Is anyone out there???

Fallen: Still on heavy rotation in

the Fünkdoctorspock's MiniDisc player.

Lyrics That Moved Me

"Again and Again"

And if you will,

I will try to let it go.

And if you try,

I'll try to let it show us the way.

'Cause love is here to stay

Just look me in the eye

This is do or die

And I will stay in love

'Till you say enough.

There is no giving in,

There is no giving up in love.

-Jewel

Oops she did it again is more like it, because I could've easily chosen every line from the song, but when in doubt go with the chorus, and that's what I'm going with here. Show me the way, Jewel. I'm not giving up on you or the power of love, and on that note, it's time for Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock to go snuggle with Mrs. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock.

It's hard to believe that fella on the

left needs a heart with Jewel around.

What Skeet is Not

I, Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock , R-E-S-P-E-C-T pop music, and you best not forget it. Skeet is a celebration of everything popular. For example, I will never offer the following take on brilliance:

The Wu-Tang Clan’s 1993 debut album, Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), included the popular track “Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthing Ta F' Wit.” This selection not only introduced us to a revolutionary style of hip hop, it also produced an innovative lyric technique that has since blown up: the double negative. On first glance/listen, the song is an aggressive challenge to potential adversaries: “Don’t front on this,” says the Wu, “else you ready to be fronted on yourself.”

But on closer inspection this nugget is something else entirely. “Ain’t [Nothing]” is akin to saying “is not nothing,” which when the double negative is multiplied makes “is something” (a negative times a negative is always a positive). Wu-Tang Clan is Something to F’ Wit. Ta da! We should all be F’ing with the Wu, what!

Aw, hell no. What the RZA & Co. were actually doing was using the double negative grammatical error to hammer home their point, their point being that if you trifle with the Wu, the Wu will get double negative on your hindquarters, so wise up, cracker (a.k.a. "cracka"). As Meth (a.k.a. Method Man) so delightfully put it in his verse, “Whatever you say rubs off me sticks to you.” Amen. What!

Rhyming Couplet of the Month

I apologize in advance for some of the language, but the PG language (e.g. funk and trunk) and the G language (e.g. monk and skunk) are, in a word, floetry:

Bi*ch a$$ n*ggaz counterfeit the funk.
I smoke the bead and the skunk,
tree top of the trunk,
moonshine drunken monk,
ya head get shrunk,
the touch of skunk,
I be fu*kin' bi*ches by the chunk.
-Ol' Dirty Bastard, "Reunited," Wu-Tang Forever

Obviously I've afforded Mr. Jones more than a "couplet," but that's half the point: two lines could NOT hold the man's talent! The effect of using the septet is mesmerizing. Do you know what the "tree top of the trunk" is? Me neither, but sign Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock up for ten!

We miss you, ODB. Please come back. And bring Biggie and 2Pac with you.

Ol' Dirty Bastard: Most definitely f*ckin' bi*ches by the chunk in Heaven.

Pink & Milt Agree: We Love Stupid Girls!

The mentally disabled have suffered too much for too long, and it’s a crying shame it took this long for a musician to muster the gusto needed to tackle this disease, but Pink’s “Stupid Girls” does just that, and through the power of song she proves to be quite the tackler (and teacher). Not since Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” and USA for Africa’s “We Are the World” has a song so selflessly shown an artist’s dedication to righting the world’s wrongs.

Pink, shown here with what might be a "Stupid Girl."

The title, of course, refers to the mentally debilitated people in question, and though “stupid” sounds harsh, Pink is simply using irony to show us (the royal “us;” Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock would never condone or partake in such harsh ‘tudes) how inconsiderate we’ve been to these minorities. “I don’t wanna be a stupid girl,” Pink sings, to which I respond, “Amen, Pink. Not with the way Average Joe and Jerky Jane treat the ‘stupid girls.’”

But Pink’s problems cut deeper than mere semantics, as she points out how these folks always wear “teeny-weeny tees.” It disgusts me that these parents give their kids hand-me-down clothes, trying to save a buck while thinking their “special” kids don’t care how they look. Pink is saying, “Hey! They do care. What do you animals think that does to their self-esteem?” You, sirs and madams, disgust Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock.

My disgust is only outdone by Pink’s disgust with the medical community. “Where, oh where, have the smart people gone? … Disease's growing, it's epidemic, I'm scared that there ain't a cure!” I’m scared too, Pink, and I’m also a doctor who cares. I’ll make a few calls and see if I can’t get some PhD friends of mine to start developing a cure.

Where some see a mentally challenged person, Pink sees a challenge, and it's a challenge we can win. Help Pink help stop mental disabilities today.

Why Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock?

Here’s a picture of me so you can put a face to the von Fünkdoctorspock:

Some say I bear a striking resemblance to former President Harry Truman. To that I say I should be so lucky, and in the interest of quashing that disservice to President Truman, here's a picture of Truman holding up the famous "Dewey Defeats Truman" newspaper:


Now here's a picture of me, Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, posing with a novelty reprint of the same newspaper at my local Mega-Mall:

See? He's much more handsome.

I, Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, received my PhD in Pop from MAvFI, the Milton Amadeus von Fünkdoctorspock Institute, in the late fifties. Yep, I home schooled myself, and it may not have been accredited, but it sure as heck deserves all the credit for getting von Fünkdoctorspock where he is today (special shout out to 99.9 FM KBOM—they don’t call you the “power jam” for nothing! It’s because you’re powerful! And jammin’.).

Over the course of dedicating my life to pop, I co-wrote the Commodores smash hit “Three Times a Lady” (but didn’t get an album credit for reasons I won’t go into—let’s just say a member of the group whom I will refer to here as L. Richie and I had a nasty and unfortunate falling out that had everything to do with my wanting to make the song a School House Rock nugget called "Three Times Two is Six" ). Yes, friends, for a few short weeks I, Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, was popular. And oh my was it glorious!